悉达多悟到了什么 名著精读:《悉达多》-觉醒(1)

名著精读:《悉达多》-觉醒(1)  

AWAKENING
When Siddhartha left the grove
where the Buddha
the perfected one
stayed behind
where Govinda stayed behind
then he felt that in this grove his past life also stayed behind and parted from him. He pondered about this sensation
which filled him pletely
as he was slowly walking along. He pondered deeply
like diving into a deep water he let himself sink down to the ground of the sensation
down to the place where the causes lie
because to identify the causes
so it seemed to him
is the very essence of thinking
and by this alone sensations turn into realizations and are not lost
but bee entities and start to emit like rays of light what is inside of them.
Slowly walking along
Siddhartha pondered. He realized that he was no youth any more
but had turned into a man. He realized that one thing had left him
as a snake is left by its old skin
that one thing no longer existed in him
which had acpanied him throughout his youth and used to be a part of him: the wish to have teachers and to listen to teachings. He had also left the last teacher who had appeared on his path
even him
the highest and wisest teacher
the most holy one
Buddha
he had left him
had to part with him
was not able to accept his teachings.
Slower
he walked along in his thoughts and asked himself: "But what is this
what you have sought to learn from teachings and from teachers
and what they
who have taught you much
were still unable to teach you?" And he found: "It was the self
the purpose and essence of which I sought to learn. It was the self
I wanted to free myself from
which I sought to overe. But I was not able to overe it
could only deceive it
could only flee from it
only hide from it. Truly
no thing in this world has kept my thoughts thus busy
as this my very own self
this mystery of me being alive
of me being one and being separated and isolated from all others
of me being Siddhartha! And there is no thing in this world I know less about than about me
about Siddhartha!"
Having been pondering while slowly walking along
he now stopped as these thoughts caught hold of him
and right away another thought sprang forth from these
a new thought
which was: "That I know nothing about myself
that Siddhartha has remained thus alien and unknown to me
stems from one cause
a single cause: I was afraid of myself
I was fleeing from myself! I searched Atman
I searched Brahman
I was willing to to dissect my self and peel off all of its layers
to find the core of all peels in its unknown interior
the Atman
life
the divine part
the ultimate part. But I have lost myself in the process."
Siddhartha opened his eyes and looked around
a smile filled his face and a feeling of awakening from long dreams flowed through him from his head down to his toes. And it was not long before he walked again
walked quickly like a man who knows what he has got to do.
"Oh
" he thought
taking a deep breath
"now I would not let Siddhartha escape from me again! No longer
I want to begin my thoughts and my life with Atman and with the suffering of the world. I do not want to kill and dissect myself any longer
to find a secret behind the ruins. Neither Yoga-Veda shall teach me any more
nor Atharva-Veda
nor the ascetics
nor any kind of teachings. I want to learn from myself
want to be my student
want to get to know myself
the secret of Siddhartha."