悉达多悟到了什么 名著精读:《悉达多》-在河边(7)

名著精读:《悉达多》-在河边(7)  

Thus he praised himself
found joy in himself
listened curiously to his stomach
which was rumbling with hunger. He had now
so he felt
in these recent times and days
pletely tasted and spit out
devoured up to the point of desperation and death
a piece of suffering
a piece of misery. Like this
it was good. For much longer
he could have stayed with Kamaswami
made money
wasted money
filled his stomach
and let his soul die of thirst; for much longer he could have lived in this soft
well upholstered hell
if this had not happened: the moment of plete hopelessness and despair
that most extreme moment
when he hang over the rushing waters and was ready to destroy himself. That he had felt this despair
this deep disgust
and that he had not succumbed to it
that the bird
the joyful source and voice in him was still alive after all
this was why he felt joy
this was why he laughed
this was why his face was smiling brightly under his hair which had turned gray.
"It is good
" he thought
"to get a taste of everything for oneself
which one needs to know. That lust for the world and riches do not belong to the good things
I have already learned as a child. I have known it for a long time
but I have experienced only now. And now I know it
don't just know it in my memory
but in my eyes
in my heart
in my stomach. Good for me
to know this!"
For a long time
he pondered his transformation
listened to the bird
as it sang for joy. Had not this bird died in him
had he not felt its death? No
something else from within him had died
something which already for a long time had yearned to die. Was it not this what he used to intend to kill in his ardent years as a penitent? Was this not his self
his small
frightened
and proud self
he had wrestled with for so many years
which had defeated him again and again
which was back again after every killing
prohibited joy
felt fear? Was it not this
which today had finally e to its death
here in the forest
by this lovely river? Was it not due to this death
that he was now like a child
so full of trust
so without fear
so full of joy?
Now Siddhartha also got some idea of why he had fought this self in vain as a Brahman
as a penitent. Too much knowledge had held him back
too many holy verses
too many sacrificial rules
to much self-castigation
so much doing and striving for that goal! Full of arrogance
he had been
always the smartest
always working the most
always one step ahead of all others
always the knowing and spiritual one
always the priest or wise one. Into being a priest
into this arrogance
into this spirituality
his self had retreated
there it sat firmly and grew
while he thought he would kill it by fasting and penance. Now he saw it and saw that the secret voice had been right
that no teacher would ever have been able to bring about his salvation. Therefore
he had to go out into the world
lose himself to lust and power
to woman and money
had to bee a merchant
a dice-gambler
a drinker
and a greedy person
until the priest and Samana in him was dead. Therefore
he had to continue bearing these ugly years
bearing the disgust
the teachings
the pointlessness of a dreary and wasted life up to the end
up to bitter despair
until Siddhartha the lustful
Siddhartha the greedy could also die. He had died
a new Siddhartha had woken up from the sleep. He would also grow old
he would also eventually have to die
mortal was Siddhartha
mortal was every physical form. But today he was young
was a child
the new Siddhartha
and was full of joy.
He thought these thoughts
listened with a smile to his stomach
listened gratefully to a buzzing bee. Cheerfully
he looked into the rushing river
never before he had like a water so well as this one
never before he had perceived the voice and the parable of the moving water thus strongly and beautifully. It seemed to him
as if the river had something special to tell him
something he did not know yet
which was still awaiting him. In this river
Siddhartha had intended to drown himself
in it the old
tired
desperate Siddhartha had drowned today. But the new Siddhartha felt a deep love for this rushing water
and decided for himself
not to leave it very soon.