悉达多悟到了什么 名著精读:《悉达多》-在河边(3)

名著精读:《悉达多》-在河边(3)  

Siddhartha reached the large river in the forest
the same river over which a long time ago
when he had still been a young man and came from the town of Gotama
a ferryman had conducted him. By this river he stopped
hesitantly he stood at the bank. Tiredness and hunger had weakened him
and whatever for should he walk on
wherever to
to which goal? No
there were no more goals
there was nothing left but the deep
painful yearning to shake off this whole desolate dream
to spit out this stale wine
to put an end to this miserable and shameful life.
A hang bent over the bank of the river
a coconut-tree; Siddhartha leaned against its trunk with his shoulder
embraced the trunk with one arm
and looked down into the green water
which ran and ran under him
looked down and found himself to be entirely filled with the wish to let go and to drown in these waters. A frightening emptiness was reflected back at him by the water
answering to the terrible emptiness in his soul. Yes
he had reached the end. There was nothing left for him
except to annihilate himself
except to smash the failure into which he had shaped his life
to throw it away
before the feet of mockingly laughing gods. This was the great vomiting he had longed for: death
the smashing to bits of the form he hated! Let him be food for fishes
this dog Siddhartha
this lunatic
this depraved and rotten body
this weakened and abused soul! Let him be food for fishes and crocodiles
let him be chopped to bits by the daemons!
With a distorted face
he stared into the water
saw the reflection of his face and spit at it. In deep tiredness
he took his arm away from the trunk of the tree and turned a bit
in order to let himself fall straight down
in order to finally drown. With his eyes closed
he slipped towards death.
Then
out of remote areas of his soul
out of past times of his now weary life
a sound stirred up. It was a word
a syllable
which he
without thinking
with a slurred voice
spoke to himself
the old word which is the beginning and the end of all prayers of the Brahmans
the holy "Om"
which roughly means "that what is perfect" or "the pletion". And in the moment when the sound of "Om" touched Siddhartha's ear
his dormant spirit suddenly woke up and realized the foolishness of his actions.
Siddhartha was deeply shocked. So this was how things were with him
so doomed was he
so much he had lost his way and was forsaken by all knowledge
that he had been able to seek death
that this wish
this wish of a child
had been able to grow in him: to find rest by annihilating his body! What all agony of these recent times
all sobering realizations
all desperation had not brought about
this was brought on by this moment
when the Om entered his consciousness: he became aware of himself in his misery and in his error.
Om! he spoke to himself: Om! and again he knew about Brahman
knew about the indestructibility of life
knew about all that is divine
which he had fotten.
But this was only a moment
flash. By the foot of the coconut-tree
Siddhartha collapsed
struck down by tiredness
mumbling Om
placed his head on the root of the tree and fell into a deep sleep.