悉达多悟到了什么 名著精读:《悉达多》-轮回(4)

名著精读:《悉达多》-轮回(4)  

He was a feared gambler
few dared to take him on
so high and audacious were his stakes. He played the game due to a pain of his heart
losing and wasting his wretched money in the game brought him an angry joy
in no other way he could demonstrate his disdain for wealth
the merchants' false god
more clearly and more mockingly. Thus he gambled with high stakes and mercilessly
hating himself
mocking himself
won thousands
threw away thousands
lost money
lost jewelry
lost a house in the country
won again
lost again. That fear
that terrible and petrifying fear
which he felt while he was rolling the dice
while he was worried about losing high stakes
that fear he loved and sought to always renew it
always increase it
always get it to a slightly higher level
for in this feeling alone he still felt something like happiness
something like an intoxication
something like an elevated form of life in the midst of his saturated
lukewarm
dull life.
And after each big loss
his mind was set on new riches
pursued the trade more zealously
forced his debtors more strictly to pay
because he wanted to continue gambling
he wanted to continue squandering
continue demonstrating his disdain of wealth. Siddhartha lost his calmness when losses occurred
lost his patience when he was not payed on time
lost his kindness towards beggars
lost his disposition for giving away and loaning money to those who petitioned him. He
who gambled away tens of thousands at one roll of the dice and laughed at it
became more strict and more petty in his business
occasionally dreaming at night about money! And whenever he woke up from this ugly spell
whenever he found his face in the mirror at the bedroom's wall to have aged and bee more ugly
whenever embarrassment and disgust came over him
he continued fleeing
fleeing into a new game
fleeing into a numbing of his mind brought on by sex
by wine
and from there he fled back into the urge to pile up and obtain possessions. In this pointless cycle he ran
growing tired
growing old
growing ill.